The Art of the Relationship Check-In
It might feel strange at first, but regular active Check-Ins could be the key to saving your relationships
When was the last time you had a Relationship Check-In with your partner?
If you've grown up in a mono-normative culture and haven't been exploring polyamory for very long yet, the answer is likely never. Sure, you might have talked about what you were looking for in a relationship when you started dating. If you've been together a while, you've likely sat down and discussed plans, big and small, for the future. And you may have found yourselves having to have the difficult conversations that follow a crisis. But have you ever just sat down and actively talked about your relationship without a significant life event or major decision looming over you?
As I said, I suspect the answer is no. But why is that? We all know that prevention is better than the cure, so why don't we apply that philosophy to our relationships? Why do we sit back and allow things to happen?
When I began my polyamory journey, one of the things I learned the hard way was that it is impossible to explore something so unfamiliar and varied as non-monogamy without constant, active communication. Without it, there are just too many ways of hurting your partner and yourself without realising it.
But it's not our fault. We've grown up in a mono-normative society that doesn't teach us how to actively communicate about our relationships. In fact, in many ways, it does precisely the opposite, conditioning us to feel that actively engaging with our relationships is a sign that something must be wrong.
So, let's take a moment to discuss relationship Check-Ins; what they are, what they involve, and how to make them work for you. Because while they might feel uncomfortable at the start, they might just save your relationships from disaster.
What Is A “Check-In”?
A Check-In is a time and place, agreed in advance between you and your partner, where you can discuss your relationship in a safe, judgment-free space. Sometimes, a Check-In can involve a deep discussion about an impending or recent change. At other times, it can be an opportunity to simply reaffirm your affection for one another. Sometimes it might take a couple of hours because you need to address a serious issue, but other times you may not need anything more than a few minutes to confirm that neither of you has anything significant to raise.
Exactly what a Check-In looks like will be unique to you and your partner. If you have multiple partners, how you do them might look different for each one. Like so much else in polyamory, you get to decide what works for you.
But certain elements are essential.
A Check-In is a safe space
One of the most important parts of a Check-In is that it is a safe space with no judgment.
There are so many things we don't feel like we can bring up because "it isn't the time" or because we worry about our partner's reaction. You might be worried they will laugh at you for caring about something too petty, or, on the other end of the spectrum, that what you need to say is going to provoke a severe emotional reaction. So, while in the space of the Check-In, you both commit to keeping your feelings neutral. This doesn't mean you can't react or feel specific emotions, but for the Check-In to work, you both must commit to striving to listen without judgment and reserve your reactions for later.
Check-Ins require active preparation
If you want to make the most of your Relationship Check-Ins, you need to invest the time to prepare.
When you have a Check-In scheduled, don't simply rock up to it and see what happens. Take some time beforehand to think through anything you would like to bring up. Often, the things that bother us can be subtle, flitting around our subconscious, waiting to be noticed. Even if there is someone obvious on your mind, what's the best way to address it? You'll find it a lot easier to communicate something to your partner if you get it straight in your own mind first.
A Check-In isn’t about immediate solutions
Just because an issue is raised in a Check-In doesn't mean it has to be solved immediately.
Sometimes you will find that simply having the freedom to raise an issue is all that's needed to resolve it. But other issues will need work. Potentially a lot of work. Sometimes you are prepared for that, and will come with potential solutions; other times, something will surprise you by being more of an issue than you anticipated. In either case, it's okay if you can't agree on a solution straight away. It might feel awkward, or even like you've ruined everything, but I promise you, it's far better to have brought it up so that you can address it head-on rather than letting it fester.
Check-Ins need to be regular (but at your pace)
Check-Ins should be held regularly, but the exact schedule is up to you.
Check-ins are not a one-off. The whole point is that they are a tool you keep using. If things are going smoothly in your relationships, it might be something you do every six months or so. When something new or disruptive is happening, such as one of you dating someone new, you may feel it necessary to have them once a month, or even once a week or so, until you are feeling more settled.
Check-Ins are not a sign that something is wrong
Check-Ins are just as valuable when everything is going well.
The reason Check-Ins are so valuable as a relationship tool is not because they are a space where problems are brought up and discussed, but because they provide a space where problems can be brought up and discussed. Just because you've put the time and effort into setting up this safe space doesn't mean you have to find problems to fill it. If it turns out that neither of you has issues to raise, then take it as an opportunity to actively reaffirm your gratitude and appreciation for one another. Because who doesn't enjoy being told how much their partner cares for them?
Relationship Check-Ins should be a core part of any relationship. But they are essential for those looking to explore polyamory.
They might feel strange at first, even unnatural, but once you get into the rhythm, I promise you that you will realise how much they can improve your sense of security and peace within your relationships. By opening up and maintaining a space to communicate without judgment, we free ourselves from the uncertainty and fear that comes part and parcel with navigating relationships, and give ourselves the tools to recognise and address issues before they become too big to handle.
But most of all, Check-Ins are an opportunity for us to bond with our loved ones. Without the distractions, with an agreed-upon time and place where you can be vulnerable and feel safe to speak your mind, you can connect with each other in ways you might not have felt since the beginning.
So if you're exploring polyamory, make sure you always make time for a Check-In.
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