Polyamory Relationship Models
“So, what how exactly does your relationship work?”
It’s such an annoying question, isn’t it? Not because it’s being asked. I will always encourage people to ask questions about unfamiliar topics, especially in areas such as polyamory, where too many people are unaware of the options and opportunities it provides.
No, the question is annoying because sometimes we just don’t know the answer.
If you’re new to the community, it can be hard to actually put into words what you want from polyamory (if you even know yet). And if you’ve been in the community for some time, it can be equally hard to actually define what it is you have. Particularly if you’re speaking with someone who only has a monogamous frame of reference.
So, in the spirit of helping you define what you are looking for and/or what you have, here are some of the more common polyamorous relationships models you should know about.
A QUICK NOTE
Sometimes, our relationships don't easily fit into any nice clear definitions. Even when we know all the different relationships models available to us, it can be impossible to use any of them to adequately describe what you are your partner(s) have.
And that is absolutely fine.
The goal isn't to find the best model and ensure your relationships fit into it. The goal is to fit your relationship around you. Knowing these definitions can be a useful guide to what's available, but that doesn't mean you need to use them all off the rack.
Triad / Thruple
A couple, just with 3 people
I feel it’s safe to say that what many people think of when they hear “polyamory” is a Triad. Mainly because it’s the closest model to a “standard” monogamous relationship.
A Triad/Thruple is not a couple with an extra person. All three people have an equal say in the relationship. This can be difficult for some people, especially if a third person is added to an existing couple.
Vee
When two people date the same person but not each other.
This is similar to a Triad. The main difference is that two of the people are not actively dating. In some cases, they can still be very close friends, while in others, they have no contact at all.
Both relationships are separate entities, each one its own thing. While the two relationships will be interconnected in many ways, they can each grow and develop - or end - on their own terms. They don't need to be equal.
Solo polyamory
Being open to committed relationships but choosing not to "nest" with anyone.
Someone who enjoys committed relationships without combining their lives with someone else. They keep a completely separate life of their own, while still loving and dating others.
This is not a lack of commitment or trust, but a desire to maintain autonomy outside of your relationships.
Comet
A relationship with someone you only see infrequently.
Just because you only see someone every few months doesn't mean you don't have the capacity to love them as much as any other partner.
There can be many reasons for this infrequent contact. It might be that your schedules simply don't match up that often. It might even be because you live in different cities or even countries. It doesn't mean you have to keep your relationship from growing into something meaningful.
Relationship Anarchy
The belief that love and relationships have no set structure.
The philosophy that all relationships are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Relationship Anarchists do not believe in any form of structure or rules in their relationships.
It's the belief that love is free, and you are free to follow your heart/lust where it leads you. That your relationships can be whatever they want to be. The important thing is keeping it ethical. It's very easy to hurt someone if they are not expecting such total freedom.
Parallel Polyamory
Maintaining multiple unconnected relationships
Not everyone wants their partners to be in each other’s lives. They see each relationship as being a separate entity, unconnected to the other. They run in parallel, continuing on without ever connecting.
Sometimes keeping relationships parallel is through choice. But it can also be situational, such as when your partners lives in different locations with no chance of meeting.
This doesn’t mean hiding your relationships from each other. There need to be at least some lines of communication and understanding between everyone involved.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
Living as a “family unit” made up of multiple relationships
For some people, the point of polyamory is creating new, untraditional family units. In “Kitchen Table” polyamory, partners intermingle their lives. They will share tasks such as cooking meals or even raising children.
While not for everyone, to many people this style of polyamory is a way to create a family unit without any one being left out of the dynamic.
“Garden Party” Polyamory
A POLYCULE that KEEPs each RELATIONSHIP SEPARATE BUT IS HAPPY TO HANG OUT ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS
This model lies somewhere between Parallel and Kitchen Table Polyamory. In this model, all your partners are comfortable with each other and are happy to spend time together but have no desire to combine their lives.
The term “Garden Party” comes from the fact you will enjoy spending time together on occasion but only feel the need to do so rarely.
Polyfidelity
A “closed” polyamorous relationship
Not all polyamorous people are looking for new partners. Many people still value sexual exclusivity, only not with only one person.
Polyfidelious relationships are those made of three or more people, all equal, who do not sleep with or date other people outside of this dynamic. Some would refer to this as a type of polysaturation when you have exactly the number of partners you have the energy and time to handle. Others see this as a preference and have no desire to find new partners.