Yes, You Could Be Polyamorous (Even If You Don’t Want To Be)
Every one of us is capable of exploring polyamory, and thinking you “couldn’t” is a very dangerous sign
"Oh, I could never be polyamorous."
If you have been openly exploring polyamory for any significant length of time, I'm confident that you've either heard this phrase or at least some variant of it. You'll have been telling someone about your polyamorous experience, or perhaps polyamory simply came up in conversation, when someone felt the need to butt in and make it clear how polyamory would just be impossible for them to even consider.
Then there's the alternate and more aggressive version of the same sentiment: "If my partner brought up the idea of opening up our relationship, I would break up with them on the spot."
Wow. Really? There are topics so terrifying to you that you would end your relationship on the spot for the crime of merely bringing them up? I guess you must be incredibly confident and your relationship incredibly secure. Because no relationship where one partner can't even express curiosity about something without being dumped could be unhealthy, right?
But while you have almost certainly heard these phrases, have you ever taken a moment to think about what they actually mean? Because they are simply a statement about not wanting to explore polyamory. When you dig down into it, you realise that the refusal to even consider the concept of polyamory is a lot darker and is much more of a Red Flag than people realise.
So, let's take a moment to look at the real reason people believe they "can't" be polyamorous and the damage that belief is having on your relationships.
What Is Polyamory, Really?
What exactly is polyamory?
Dating multiple people?
No.
Being in love with multiple people?
No.
Being at least open to being in love with multiple people, even if that isn't actively the case right now?
No.
These are all descriptions of things that polyamory involves, not what polyamory is.
The truth is that polyamory is less a practice and more of a philosophy. It's not about what we do but how we think. At its core, exploring polyamory is about committing to deconstructing our societal idea of what a "relationship" is and rebuilding it without all the toxic and harmful structures and beliefs that come with it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the belief that we own our partners. For centuries, as our patriarchal and capitalist society progressed and evolved, marriage and relationships were about ownership. Women were owned by their fathers, then their husbands. The needs that marriages fulfilled were political and financial. And, of course, men were always in charge.
Yes, this is an incredibly simplified summary of thousands of years of human history, but you can't deny that this summary presents us with a core truth that is at the centre of our societal concept of what a "relationship" is. And these ideas persist, continuing to feed into our lives, because we rarely question them. Even if we believe our relationships are modern and enlightened, they have still been built on the same foundations. Feminist women marrying feminist men still choose to be "given away" by their fathers. Even in relationships where both partners work and earn equally, women still do a bigger share of housework and childrearing. There are massive double standards when it comes to sexual freedom between men and women. Hell, the first time that any modern country legalised marriages to non-heterosexual couples was only 25 years ago!
If you want to explore polyamory and actually make it work, these are the foundations we need to break free from. We need to rebuild our ideas of what it takes to build fair and equal relationships.
But if the core philosophy of polyamory is creating more ethical relationships, what are you saying when you say you could “never be polyamorous”?
What You Are Saying When You Say You "Could Never" Be Polyamorous
By choosing to explore polyamory, I committed to exploring ways to put aside old, toxic preconceptions and learn how to build healthier, more equitable relationships.
Does that mean someone choosing to be monogamous means being committed to unhealthy, unequal relationships? Of course not. We can decide to deconstruct relationships and still remain monogamous.
But are you choosing to be monogamous, or are you scared that your relationships aren’t strong enough to survive without having control over your partners? Because when you say, "I could never be polyamorous", what you are actually saying is, "I refuse to move past the idea that relationships are about ownership and possession.”
And I'm sorry to have to tell you that if that's what you believe, then you are a supporter of the patriarchy.
“Patriarchal” Doesn’t Mean “Men”
Here, I need to take a moment to address a common misconception. Just because cis-men are the ones who get the "benefits" of the patriarchy doesn't mean that cis-men are the only ones supporting and maintaining it.
Men are harmed by the patriarchy just as much as any other gender. Sure, maybe not as obviously. And yes, many men take advantage of the patriarchal structures our society has built to do harm. But patriarchy is a far more insidious force than simply "men are bad". Even if we don't realise it, all of us are harmed by the patriarchy, and we still continue to reinforce the patriarchal ideas inherent in our relationships, even as they continue to harm us.
For example, I know more than a few women who are - quite rightly - incredibly vocal about the harm men do in relationships and in society in general, and yet are just as ready to mock men who don't fit a particular masculine ideal. And don't think being outside of the gender "binary" means you are immune. I had a conversation with a non-binary person a while ago who happily admitted they got upset if their boyfriend displayed any particularly feminine traits. There are plenty of women who weaponise masculinity to get away with abuse. And, of course, slut- and victim-shaming are, sadly, pastimes enjoyed by all genders.
This is obviously a far bigger issue than I have time to go into here, and I encourage everyone to continually question and learn. The point I want to get across here is that when I talk about patriarchal practices in relationships, I am not saying “men cause all relationship issues”. I’m saying that the patriarchy is woven into our concepts of what relationships look like, and that this is harming every single one of us.
Monogamy isn’t Toxic (Mononormativity is)
None of this means that choosing monogamy is toxic. But mononormativity - the state where we assume monogamy is “normal” and everything else is a strange perversion of that normality - is. Choosing to be monogamous is very different from being monogamous because you don’t know there are any other options or because you are forbidden from being anything else.
By saying, "I could never be polyamorous", you are saying you have either had your autonomy taken away from you or have willingly given it up.
But saying, "I have no desire to be polyamorous," on the other hand, is exercising that autonomy. It indicated that you have considered the available options and actively chosen the one that works best for you, with no judgment for the people who chose differently.
And because you are not actively dismissing polyamory, you leave yourself open to learning all the lessons it can teach. After all, the skills needed to build a successful polyamorous relationship are exactly the same skills needed for a successful monogamous one.
At the end of the day, our relationships should be rooted in autonomy. We should be allowed to build them as we see fit, taking the different elements and structures and creating emotional and physical connections that complement our needs and desires.
But if there are any kinds of relationships that you think you simply "can't" do, take a moment to ask yourself why you feel that way. Because saying "I could never..." is often actually an admission to yourself that you are restricted from exploring something, which is very different and far more harmful than choosing not to explore something.
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