How to Find Compersion in Polyamory
Compersion. Some call it the opposite of jealousy, but it's more than that. There is an increasing amount of research around this concept, but, in essence, it's the happiness you feel when you see your partner enjoying themselves with someone else.
But whatever else it is, it's also hard. We are conditioned by society to feel possessive over our partners, and that's a hard thing to overcome. And while it comes relatively easily for some people, it can feel insurmountable for others. They try, and they do their best, but deep down, the idea of seeing their partner with someone else churns up their insecurities.
So what if you are one of these people? What if you want to explore polyamory but feel compersion is forever beyond your reach?
Well, don't despair. Compersion may be difficult, but it is never impossible. And, if you do the work and open yourself to the idea, then compersion may appear when you least expect it.
It's important to remember that everyone comes into polyamory at different speeds.
The first person I dated long-term after beginning my journey into polyamory was brand new to non-monogamy. Dating me was taking a big step into the unknown. We'd talked through what it meant, and I did my best to ensure she was comfortable with the situation. She began to read everything she could find on the lifestyle. In some ways, she took to it better than I had. But in others, she found it a lot harder.
One of these was compersion.
Now, I'm lucky. I've never been a hugely jealous person. I'm not saying I didn't have huge insecurities during the first stages of my journey. Boy, did I have some big insecurities to navigate. But compersion has always come easily to me. I love seeing my partners happy with other people.
My new partner, on the other hand, was very much on the other side of this coin. She wanted to be happy for me and would never have dreamed of trying to hold me back from other relationships, but compersion was an alien concept to her. She couldn't get her head around the concept of being happy about seeing me with other people.
So, how did we fix this issue?
Well, there was a lot of work. We talked through the issues that were blocking her from feeling compersion. She did a lot of reading around the subject. She talked to friends, who she could vent to in a way she couldn't do with me. I made sure to position any other dates or relationships in ways that were the least triggering to her.
But, ultimately, compersion took her completely by surprise.
I had a friend who I was interested in pursuing romantically. So, to see if this friendship had the potential to grow into something more, I asked them out to see a show, just the two of us. And they said yes.
It just so happened that my partner was working at that show.
So we talked about this. She would be busy, so it wasn't as if we would have been talking to her anyway. But she would have to see me at a table with this new date. Would she be okay with this? Was this pushing a boundary too far? But in the end, we decided that it was a good test. She knew and liked this person, so it wasn't like I would be with an unknown person she didn't trust. She would have her work to distract her from any insecurities that flared. And if things got too bad for her, we arranged a signal to let me know I needed to wrap things up.
But on the night, when she saw me and my date together, she realised she felt nothing but excitement to see me with a potential new romantic connection. She didn't feel left out. She didn't feel excluded. She didn't feel like she was losing me.
Compersion had suddenly arrived in full force without any warning.
How does this help you?
I'm not saying this will happen to you. Everyone is different. This is merely one story from the millions of people who've begun to explore polyamory. But I shared it because it demonstrates how someone who feared compersion was beyond their reach found it when they least expected it.
Everyone's polyamory journey is different. You will find things at different paces and in different ways. But if you put in the work and, most importantly, open yourself up to new possibilities, the results may feel like they come out of nowhere.
My partner thought compersion might never happen. They did all the work, but nothing made any difference. Until they found themselves in a particular situation at a particular time, having prepared themselves for the worst, only to find everything unexpectedly falling into place.
There is no "correct" time for you to "achieve" compersion.
People grow into polyamory at different speeds. We are all different. Our insecurities, emotional conditioning, and personal philosophies are tapestries that each tell a unique story. And when we decide to untangle one part of our tapestry and reweave it, none of us can know how long it will take.
Life isn't a straight progression. Changes come in fits and starts, and you can never predict when things will fall into place. Sometimes we will find things easier than our partners. Sometimes we will find things harder. But as long as we are kind to ourselves and each other and are prepared to do the work, we can find what we are looking for.
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