Dating a Couple vs Being in a Triad
Something very common on the list of things people want to try when they explore ethical non-monogamy is the threesome. Studies have shown up to 80% of people want to experience a threesome at some point (with gender and sexuality impacting these numbers, of course), so it’s only natural it would be the first thing on some people’s minds when stepping away from strict monogamy.
However, joining a couple in their bed is one thing. Dating a couple is something else. And joining them in a Triad is a whole other thing entirely! And if you’re not clear on the differences, you’re putting yourself at risk of heartbreak.
So, let’s take a look at the differences between dating a couple and being in a triad.
Dating a couple vs being in a triad
So, what exactly is the difference? They might be subtle, but if you’re not aware of them you can end up in a dynamic that isn’t what you were expecting.
Dating a Couple
When you date a couple, you are dating a fixed entity. Yes, in a healthy relationship, a couple will consist of two individual people, not one merged being. But if you are looking to date a couple, you need to think of them - at least in part - as a single unit. This unit will make decisions together; where they live, what they do with their time, and who else they date, just as a single person you are dating would. And while they might take you into consideration when making these decisions, you are not part of the decision-making process. Whether you only see them together or individually as well, they have a life separate from you.
Being in a Triad
Being part of a triad is different from simply dating a couple in a simple but very important way. In a triad, there is no separation between you and them. You are all part of a single relationship. It isn’t two people and a third; it’s three people together, all equal, all part of the decision-making process. When you are part of a triad, you should never feel like you are an addition to other people. All three of you should be part of the relationship.
Where people go wrong with triads
Where people go wrong in three-person relationships is by falling into monogamy-brain and subconsciously seeing a "true" relationship existing between two of the participants, and the third being an "extra".
This is called couple privilege.
It's natural to fall into this trap of couple privilege. All our lives, we've been conditioned to see a relationship as consisting of two people. But it being an understandable mistake doesn't make it an acceptable one. Because when we do this, we're putting people's hearts on the line. And that's not okay.
If you are looking to create a triad, whether you are solo or part of an existing relationship, you have to understand that there can be no couple. There are three of you. The triads I've seen fail have always been because two of the participants fall into the role of the "couple" and begin to make decisions without including the third person, subconsciously acting like they are not as important.
So, if the main risk to a triad is people thinking and acting like they are part of a couple, we're left facing a question…
Can a couple become a triad?
This is a tricky question. Because, of course, they can. Any relationship can be transformed into something new when the people who are part of it want to make it happen.
But breaking out of monogamy-brain and couple privilege is hard.
A couple who wants to invite a third person into their relationship to form a true triad needs to understand their old relationship has to die. You might have been a couple for weeks, months, or even years, but if you want to be in a triad, that existing relationship has to end, and the new one takes its place.
This takes work. More work than a lot of couples realise or are prepared to do. It involves giving up any feelings of relationship security. If the triad doesn't work out, there is no guarantee you'll be able to go back to the couple you were part of before.
Creating relationships that consist of more than two people can be a rewarding and exciting experience. Many people discover that it suits them far more than being a couple ever did.
But it's important to understand how much work it takes to truly break the conditioning that a "true" relationship consists of two people and any others are simply fun additions. Because in any relationship, if all people involved are not on the same page and are not doing the work required, someone will get hurt.
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