Dealing with Jealousy in Polyamory
Jealousy. We might all hate it, but it’s a universal feature of our lives. In some way, for some reason, each of us has felt jealous of someone.
When it comes to polyamory, jealousy is often the first thing people think of. How can we possibly think about our partner being with another person without feeling cripplingly jealous? How are we supposed to feel, seeing them happy with someone else outside of our relationship?
But I’ll let you into a little secret. Jealousy doesn’t have to rule your life. While we might not be able to avoid it, there’s a trick you can learn to dismantle the power it has over you.
Jealousy in polyamory
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory is hard. Sorry, but there’s no way to sugarcoat it. Even the strongest of us are, at some point, going to have to deal with it.
Take me, for example. I’m lucky in that I’m not a naturally jealous person. Which, I can tell you, is an incredibly useful trait for someone who is polyamorous. Compersion - the sense of feeling happiness at seeing your partner happy with someone else - comes easy to me. I love seeing them out there living their best lives.
And yet, I’ve felt jealousy’s sickening hand upon my shoulder.
Back when I first opened up my relationships, my then-partner already had a date lined up. Yes, it was a bit awkward, but through open and honest communication, we talked through that awkwardness together. But still, despite being okay with what was happening, on the day she first went out to spend the weekend with them, I was ready for jealousy to rear its ugly head.
When it didn’t, I thought perhaps that meant polyamory might be easier than I had thought. If I could be this happy for my partner to be experiencing someone new, then perhaps everything would be alright.
But boy, was I wrong. Because while I never felt jealous of my partner being with someone new, I soon found myself encountering it from a different, unexpected angle.
What is jealousy?
As my partner continued seeing their new date, I was having trouble finding one of my own. Dating Apps and websites were getting me nowhere, a situation which has never changed, to be honest. We tried in-person socials, but these always ended with my partner taking plenty of numbers while I went home empty-handed.
Now, jealousy finally got its hands on me. Not because my partner was seeing other people, but because they had something I wanted by didn’t have.
This is the truth behind jealousy. It’s not its own thing but a combination of envy and insecurity.
I was jealous because I was envious of what my partner had that I wanted, and my inability to get a date was making me feel insecure about my desirability.
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory
So, what can you do when you feel jealousy in polyamory?
When this happens, and I'm afraid it almost certainly will, the first thing to do is to take a moment to identify where it's coming from. What is it exactly that's causing you to feel envy, and how exactly is it making you feel insecure?
Remember, these may not always be anything to do with your partner(s) or personal relationship(s). One of my triggers, for example, is seeing other people - such as polyamorous social media influencers, for example - having a seemingly easy time with things I'm finding hard. When someone discusses all the dates they are going on, for example, I don't resent them, but I do envy the fact they have something I want, and feel insecure that I can't find the same success.
The second thing you then need to do is communicate your feelings with the right people. If you're in a relationship, this will usually be your partner. Let them know how you feel. If this involves them, you can discuss ways to help mitigate the pain you're feeling. If it doesn't, they should still be the one to help you through tough periods in your journey.
If you're not currently in a relationship, or you don't want to put too much on your partner(s) for a particular reason, talk to your friends. This is why finding and creating a support network is so important. (If you don't have any local groups near you, I and many others offer online peer support for those who need it.)
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory is hard. Not only is breaking out of the monogamy mindset hard in and of itself, but many people will argue that being jealous can be healthy.
But jealousy isn't healthy. It shouldn't be encouraged or celebrated. But that doesn't mean it's inherently unhealthy. We all feel insecure at times, and it's only natural to be envious of those people who have something we want. And so, jealousy is just something we have to learn to live with.
But by recognising what it is, communicating openly with people you trust, and being willing to work on yourself, you will find that dealing with jealousy in polyamory is not the insurmountable hurdle it can appear to be at first.
Just a quick note before I wrap up. I'm obviously talking about dealing with jealousy in a general, everyday sense. I am aware that some people have been through emotional traumas that make things like jealousy far stronger and harder to deal with.
Dealing with trauma-induced jealousy is well above my pay grade. But if this is something you or a loved one is dealing with, I strongly recommend looking for professional help. And for that, I can recommend Pink Therapy (not an affiliate link, just a recommendation based on personal experience with them). This is a platform where find therapists familiar with all types of "alternative" lifestyles who won't treat polyamory as a symptom.
