Is Polyamory Cheating?
Is polyamory cheating?
It's a question many of us in the ethical non-monogamous community find distasteful, so often do we hear it. But as much as we hate hearing it, it can't be denied it's an understandable mistake. Society has conditioned us to see certain things as automatic betrayals in a relationship. It's only natural to see a relationship model where these things are the norm as inherently wrong.
So let's take a moment to explain why polyamory isn't cheating.
What exactly does it mean “cheat” in a relationship?
When answering the question, "Is polyamory cheating?" we must first address what people mean by "cheating".
To most people, "cheating" is a catch-all term for someone who has sex with someone who is not their long-term partner. This isn't the only definition, of course. There are some who would call something as innocent as holding hands cheating. For some, it doesn't even have to be physical, and forming too close an emotional bond with someone who isn't your partner is just as much of a betrayal as sleeping with them.
But is there one single definition that applies to every relationship? A universal line that should never be crossed?
Well, yes, there is. And it's actually fairly simple. "Cheating" is the same thing whether you're talking about relationships or sports. It's when one person breaks the rules to gain an advantage.
Every relationship has rules. Many of them are universal, while others change from couple to couple. And we grow up, in most cases, seeing these rules as immutable. Something we must accept as part of being in a relationship, no matter how we feel about them.
And so, when we see something like polyamory, it's easy to call it cheating. But instead, what we're actually seeing are people playing by a different set of rules.
Is polyamory cheating?
Short answer, no.
To understand polyamory, we must first understand and accept that the rules of a relationship are not monolithic. Every relationship can be different. We get to choose which rules to follow based on the personalities of you and your partner.
This is what's called a Relationship Agreement. This is the agreed set of rules between those involved in a relationship. It encompasses everything, from what you want from a relationship, how you plan to live it, and your shared rules and boundaries. And in monogamy, one of those rules is to not sleep with anybody else.
Therefore, sleeping with someone else would be breaking the agreed rules. Therefore, sleeping with someone else is cheating. But it would not be cheating if that rule didn't exist.
Hence, the answer to the question "Is Polyamory Cheating? is a clear and simple no.
But that's not to say that while polyamory isn't synonymous with cheating, that doesn't mean you can't cheat in polyamory.
Can you cheat in polyamory?
Yes, you can cheat in polyamory. Just because polyamory involves playing by different rules doesn't mean those rules aren't as important.
Few things leave us more vulnerable than our relationships. They involve us opening up to someone in ways we would never do with anyone else. We trust our partners to respect us, our boundaries, and our limits at all times. They are free to discuss those boundaries, of course. But ultimately, to be in a relationship with us, they agree to our boundaries without question.
What do some of these rules look like? Well, it might be an agreement never to sleep with mutual friends. Or a promise never to have sex without a condom. Or not to have more than two relationships at a time because of the time commitments involved.
It doesn't matter if people in other relationships have the same boundaries or not. The rules of your relationship are unique to you and your partner. There are no "universal" or "required" rules to make a relationship valid. The only important thing is that you and your partner(s) have agreed to follow them. And if any of you break them, then that means you've cheated, I'm afraid.
The answer to the question "Is polyamory cheating?" is a clear, resounding no. But that doesn't mean cheating within a polyamorous relationship is impossible.
Someone who claims that polyamory is automatically cheating is dismissing something merely because it doesn't match their personal life choices. This might be due to a lack of education or an ideological mindset. But, whatever the reason, it's wrong.
Someone who claims you can't cheat in polyamory is also mistaken. These people either don't understand the nature of ethical non-monogamy or are looking to use it as an excuse not to have to care about other people's needs and feelings.
Polyamory is, at its core, no different from any other kind of relationship. And, like any relationship, it's possible to hurt people if you betray their trust.
