What is “Polybombing”?
Beginning your journey into polyamory can be a daunting prospect. No one who's being honest is going to say otherwise. Breaking free of our monogamous social conditioning can be difficult, and while some people find themselves comfortable jumping straight in at the deep end, others need time to slip into the water bit by bit.
We all get to enter polyamory at whatever speed we're comfortable with.
But sometimes, either purposefully or without realising what they are doing, one partner can overwhelm the other with their enthusiasm.
This is known as "polybombing", and if you are someone who needs to take the more cautious path on your polyamory journey, or is dating someone who is, it's something you need to be aware of.
So let's take a look at polybombing, how it's different from "The Poly Bomb", and how to avoid it damaging your ethical non-monogamy journey.
What is Polybombing?
In a nutshell, polybombing is when one partner overwhelms another with polyamory so fast and so hard that they don't have time to stop and think about what they want and whether they actually enjoy what's happening.
This is very similar to the practice of "love bombing", where a narcissist will overwhelm a new partner with love, affection, and gifts to create an image that they are the best partner in the world to overwhelm you to the point where you don't have the time or space think, and so are less likely to be able to stop and process their mistakes or outright abuse behaviours.
Polybombing can take many forms. It can be planning dates without consulting you until the last minute. It can be excessively talking about how happy being non-monogamous makes them so that you feel too guilty about expressing discomfort. It can be arranging group play involving you without checking in that you actually want to be involved. These examples are in no way an exhaustive list. These are just a few examples of how one partner, intentionally or unintentionally, can use polybombing to overwhelm your comfort and needs to prevent you from setting healthy boundaries.
Yes, I said both intentional and unintentional. Because, like so much in relationships, it can come at you from both directions.
Polybombing as a weapon
The sad truth is some people use Polybombing as a way to purposefully manipulate their partners. By constantly throwing new things at them, they ensure their partner never gets a chance to stop and think, and by creating a constant faux-positivity, they guilt them into feeling uncomfortable expressing any concerns.
You should always be careful when you date someone with more experience in the polyamorous scene than you. Especially if they use this as a selling point for you to date them, claiming they can somehow "get you in". Yes, this dynamic can be healthy, but it can also be a way for abusers to manipulate you.
Unintentional Polybombing
Not all polybombing is an intentional attack. It's also possible for someone to polybomb their partner without meaning to.
Being new to polyamory can be intoxicating, and sometimes, it can be easy to become so excited to experience all it has to offer that we blind ourselves to the fact our partner may feel overwhelmed and need us to slow things down.
It's important to remember that no matter how excited you are about your polyamory journey, you and your partner might need to go at different speeds and continue checking in at every step. Sometimes, that's all someone needs to feel comfortable again, but they need to have the safety of knowing they can express their concerns and be heard.
The difference between “Polybombing” and “The Poly Bomb”
While I was researching this article, I found a lot of articles and Reddit posts discussing polybombing in a very different way from what I've outlined above. And on investigation, I've discovered that it's a term that many monogamous people misuse.
A lot of people, specifically monogamous people who seem to be very aggressively anti-polyamory, use the word "polybombing" when they actually mean "dropping the poly bomb".
"Dropping the poly bomb" is a term used to describe the moment someone reveals to a partner that they are polyamorous. Or they want to explore opening up their relationship (and have often begun to explore the idea already). Usually, it's used when this is done in an unethical or unhealthy way, hence the imagery of a bomb causing sudden, terrible destruction to an existing relationship.
Broaching the subject of opening up a previously monogamous relationship is a sensitive topic, and one that deserves an article all of its own. But bringing up a desire to explore polyamory - “dropping the poly bomb” - is not tantamount to polybombing (although when one is done unethically, the other is far more likely to follow can quickly follow the other).
Polybombing, like love bombing, is a toxic practice that we all need to be able to recognise and address as soon as we see it. All the more so because it can not only be wielded by people looking to take advantage of you but can also happen unintentionally while being no less damaging to a newly opened relationship.
Beginning your polyamory journey can be as scary as it is exciting. And while sometimes we need a push out of our comfort zone, that's a very different thing to allowing our partners to steamroll over our boundaries, which is what polybombing ends up doing.
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