What is a One Penis Policy, And Why is it Bad?
If you're new to polyamory, one of the many new terms you may have heard is "One Penis Policy". And you may have also heard it spoken in a dismissive, even angry tone. Why is that? Surely it's not problematic for a woman to not want to date other men?
A "One Penis Policy' is an arrangement where a male/female couple is sexually open, but the woman is not allowed to date other men.
But what's wrong with that, you might ask. Surely, every relationship agreement is different, and just because a couple are non-monogamous doesn't mean a woman is obliged to sleep with other men.
Well, there is a big difference between a woman choosing not to date other men and a One Penis Policy. And while it might sometimes seem like the line is grey, it's actually very clear.
It's all about who is making that decision.
So let's take a look at the One Penis Policy. What is it, and, more importantly, what is it not?
What is a One Penis Policy, and Why Are They Toxic?
A One Penis Policy (or OPP) is a relationship agreement where both halves of a male/female couple are free to date or sleep with other women but not other men.
Depending on what each couple's situation might be, it may be that the couple play with other women together, or it might be they each date separately but can each only date women rather than men.
So what's wrong with that? Surely, if a couple isn't interested in dating other men, that's their business?
That's a fair question. But the answer is down to who made that decision. And when it comes to the creation of a One Penis Policy, you will find that this decision is not down to the woman not being interested in seeing other men, but the man stating that he doesn't want that to happen. Rather than it being about her desires, it's about his fantasies and insecurities.
OPP Part 1: Sexualised bisexuality
Seeing two women together, or even getting to join them, is a very popular sexual fantasy. And often, when a man dates a bisexual woman, he sees this fantasy suddenly become a real possibility. And so, while she might enjoy it wholeheartedly, he encourages her to play with other women not because it's satisfying for her but because it's exciting for him.
Of course, she might like the idea of two men being together just as much as she likes watching two women. But if the man is straight, then what's in that for him? "We're both turned on by you being with a woman," he will argue, "But only you would get anything out of another man."
OPP Part 2: Male Insecurity
Toxic masculinity and the Patriarchy have done a number on the male psyche. They are taught from a young age that their self-worth is intrinsically bound up with their power and authority. And a large part of this idea of masculinity is that a "man" is able to sexually satisfy a woman.
So, if your woman wants to be with another man, that means you are not enough.
And so the man rules out her ever being with another man. Not only does the male partner get nothing out of it personally, he is scared that another man satisfying this partner will take away his power and self-confidence.
Can there be a Healthy Version of the One Penis Policy??
So, is the idea of a male/female couple only dating women inherently toxic, no matter what? Are couples obliged to sleep with people of all genders in order for their relationship to be ethical?
No. Of course not.
Every relationship is different. As I've written about before, everyone exploring polyamory - whether alone or part of a couple - has to learn and explore the things they are looking to get out of it. And this might very well involve both partners being only interested in dating women.
Bisexuality is a real thing. And bisexual people in straight-passing relationships are no less queer than anyone else in that LGBTQ+ community. The only difference is that, in monogamy, at least, it means being unable to explore a side of your sexuality. Now, many people are fine with this, but for others, ethical non-monogamy provides a way for them to explore this side of themselves without putting their primary relationship in danger. And so these women might have no desire to sleep with other men. They might get all the male attention they get from their partner.
But the important difference here is that this is their decision. They aren't only seeing women because their partner has forbidden it or feels uncomfortable about it, but because it's what they want.
No, it’s not only men who do this (but it’s far more likely)
Why do we call this the One Penis Policy? Why do people not talk about the One Vulva Policy? And, of course, what about people who don't fit into binary genders?
I am sure that there are couples out there with One Vulva Policies. And there must be similar toxic dynamics in relationships between people of all genders.
But the fact of the matter is, in the society we live in, relationships where one male partner is controlling a female partner are far more common. That's the Patriarchy, folks. And taking into account the fact that male bisexuality is, in general, far less openly accepted means that relationships consisting of straight men and openly bisexual women are simply more common.
But please remember that all genders are capable of toxic behaviour and unsafe relationship practices.
At the end of the day, to be truly ethical, a relationship needs to be built around the needs, desires, and boundaries of all those involved. One person is not allowed to simply dictate what the other is allowed to do and who they are allowed to see.
Yes, there are ways that a male/female couple can create healthy, ethical, non-monogamous relationships in which they only date women. Or people of any particular flavour of gender. But the difference is these situations are not about a person's desires or insecurities being imposed on the other, but an agreement benefits everyone.
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