Polyamory Does Not Equal Consent
Recently, somebody reached out to me on the Discovering Polyamory Tumblr, asking for advice on a past relationship. Specifically, whether their unhappy experience with polyamory was down to their not being cut out for ethical non-monogamy or because, as they suspected, their partner had been abusive.
As I'm sure you've guessed, it was the latter. In their case, they were happy to date and sleep with people as a couple. But in their partner's mind, this meant she was obliged to sleep with anyone he brought home and that he could do whatever with whoever he wanted.
He said that since we were all dating and consenting adults in a poly relationship, there was no cheating happening.
No.
No, no, no!
Hearing this always makes me angry because not only is it one of those common misconceptions that give polyamory a bad name, but also because I've seen people I considered friends using this very justification to excuse themselves for their bad and sometimes borderline abusive behaviour.
So, let's have a quick chat about why polyamory does not equal consent.
When it comes to polyamory, there are many things you might be into. Threesomes. Group sex. Living with multiple partners. Dating as a couple or dating without your partner.
But just because some people are into these things doesn't mean you have to be.
And just because you're okay with any of these things in the right situation and with the right people, you are not obliged to want to do them if you aren't 100% comfortable.
The bottom line is if there is even the slightest chance that a partner might not be okay with an action or behaviour, you must check in with them before doing it. And if they don't want to do it, that's the final answer.
Because committing to polyamory does not equal consent.
Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean I sleep with everyone and anyone
Being polyamorous, or practising any form of ethical non-monogamy for that matter, doesn't mean you have to be happily sleeping with all and sundry.
Yes, a lot of people get into ethical non-monogamy for the sexual opportunities it offers. But there are also those looking for polyfidelious relationships, as well as those who are demi- or asexual.
Even if you are in a sexually open relationship, there is no point where someone else can decide who you sleep with. You might be demisexual and need an emotional connection before you feel sexual attraction, for example. You might want a polyfidelious relationship, one where three or more people are sexually exclusive in the same way a traditional monogamous relationship would be. Or you might be asexual, with no interest in sex at all. And then some people are just incredibly picky. (Some of the most sexually active people I know are also the most picky when it comes to choosing partners.)
This is what we mean when we say polyamory does not equal consent. You get to pick the things that make you happy. Your partner doesn't get to say, "You agreed to polyamory, therefore you have to be okay with what I do and join in whenever I want."
Exploring polyamory does not equal consent to being pressured into having sex with anyone who makes you uncomfortable.
Being Polyamorous Doesn’t Mean Having No Boundaries
Polyamory is about creating relationships that work for you. Therefore, if something makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, it shouldn't be part of your relationships.
(Which, of course, should be the case in all relationships.)
Too many people will argue that if you are polyamorous, then nothing they do can be wrong. But at best, these people are ignorant. But in most cases, they are straight-up abusive and don't actually care about their partners. Because agreeing to be in a polyamorous relationship is not a blanket agreement to consent to anything. You are allowed to say when something makes you unhappy, and your partner, if they care about you, should take that into account.
Once more for the people in the back: No one who cares about you will want you to do something that you have clearly stated makes you comfortable.
Your boundaries are important. They are important at the start of a relationship, and they are important when you learn more things about yourself and those boundaries evolve and change. You might try something and decide it's not for you. Or you might like something, but not with just anybody.
Exploring polyamory does not equal consent for someone to ignore your boundaries.
Polyamory isn't about being one partner pressuring the other
There are people in the world who see polyamory as a tool to manipulate people. They twist it, gaslighting their partners into believing that to be polyamorous, you have to be okay with everything, no matter what. And if you do have a problem with it, then you're just a bad person for daring to infringe upon their happiness by daring to say no.
But this isn't polyamory. This is abuse.
This isn't something you only see in the fringes of the community, either. People with big names and once well-regarded in the polyamorous community have been revealed as abusers who've used these arguments to manipulate their partners.
But this isn't polyamory. Because polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, and a relationship can't be ethical if one person isn't happy.
Because committing to polyamory does not equal consent for your partner to do whatever they want with no regard for your feelings.
It is vitally important when you begin to explore polyamory, to remember that polyamory does not equal consent.
Do not make the mistake of confusing pushing outside of your comfort zone with allowing someone to make you uncomfortable. Everything is on the table, but there is nothing you can't take off the table as well. It's about creating something that works for you and leads to your life becoming better than it was, not worse.
If you have ever had a partner use an argument along the lines of "Well, you agreed to an open relationship, so what I did was fine," then they are not thinking about you as a person but as a tool to fulfil their needs and fantasies.
They are not looking at you as a human being but as an object to be manipulated and used.
No matter the reasons you get into polyamory, no matter how excited you might be at first, or for specific experiences, you don't have to be okay with everything and anything. In polyamory, as in any relationship, you always retain your own autonomy. You are not giving up on things like boundaries and consent or any of the things we need in relationships to keep ourselves safe.
This is something important for all people new to polyamory to learn.
Exploring polyamory isn't saying yes to everything.
Because polyamory does not equal consent.
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