Should You Date Someone New to Polyamory?
Would you be prepared to date someone brand new to polyamory?
I have. And those experiences have been universally rewarding for me. But I know many people in the polyamorous community who have stated publicly that they would never date someone who had not been in a polyamorous relationship before or who had at least practised ethical non-monogamy.
But is this fair? Everyone has to begin their journey somewhere, and if the people with experience are refusing to date those without experience, how are we supposed to get it? Are people new to the scene only allowed to date each other until they have levelled up far enough to date those of us who have been exploring this lifestyle for longer?
The truth is, and this is coming from someone quite happy to date someone new to polyamory, it is okay to not want to do so. Because if it's not something you're willing to do, it can be damaging for everyone concerned.
Dating someone who is brand new to polyamory can be incredibly rewarding.
I know because I've done it twice. My first long-term polyamorous partner had never considered polyamory until they met me, and while we are no longer together, they have happily continued in that life. And, at the time of writing, I'm dating someone who has only recently decided to begin exploring polyamory.
But just because I am happy to date people with less experience than me, that doesn't mean everyone has to be. Because it's not a situation everyone is cut out for.
Because not everyone is cut out to be a teacher, and an unwilling teacher can be actively damaging to someone's education.
Not everyone is cut out to be a teacher
Dating someone new to polyamory means, to a greater or lesser degree, being their teacher. They might have done some research and been involved in online communities already, but they still have no actual experience living in this kind of relationship. And, as a lot of us have found out the hard way, the experience of being in a polyamorous relationship can differ greatly from the expectation.
But there are two important things we have to remember…
Not everyone wants to be a teacher
Not everyone is cut out to be a teacher. And when it comes to something as important and all-encompassing as romantic and sexual relationships, it makes perfect sense to not want to have that responsibility.
When you are dating someone new to polyamory, there will be times when they need you to have answers to their questions. They’ll need you to help them avoid making mistakes. And this can be hard, especially if you are still figuring this all out for yourself. Just because we've been polyamorous for some time doesn't mean you will be so confident with the lifestyle yet.
This is a lot of responsibility and needs to be taken on willingly. Because if someone isn't ready or willing to take it on, it has the potential to be incredibly damaging.
A bad/unwilling teacher is, at best, unhelpful and, at worst, actively damaging
A bad or unwilling teacher is worse than useless. They are damaging.
We've all had a teacher like this. The one who clearly hated their job, or children, or quite possibly both. The teacher who didn't want to be there and took it out on their students. The one who left you traumatised or completely put you off a subject for life because of their association with it.
If someone doesn't want to be a teacher, they will never be a good one. The resentment of being put in that position will permeate their relationship, meaning it can never be healthy. And this, in turn, will lead to their partner learning toxic behaviours or potentially getting put off polyamory altogether.
What happens if they decide polyamory is not for them
It's also important to remember that it's not only the person new to polyamory who is at risk. We also need to be aware of the possibility of becoming emotionally attached to someone, only for them to turn around and decide polyamory is not for them.
A lot of people don't want to date people new to polyamory for this exact reason. They want to avoid the risk of growing emotionally attached to someone, only to have to walk away brokenhearted because that person can't accept them dating other people. Or, even worse, having to deal with that person attempting to guilt them into giving up ethical non-monogamy completely.
So, let’s say you are prepared to date someone who has never been in a polyamorous relationship before? What would be my advice to you?
Be aware of the potential power imbalance
If you have experience in polyamory and are dating someone who doesn't, this gap in knowledge will create a power imbalance.
There are all sorts of potential power imbalances in relationships. And this isn't just an issue in polyamory. Even in monogamous relationships, when one partner has far more experience in relationships than the other, they will have more power.
This isn't automatically a bad thing. It can be perfectly healthy to date someone with more or less experience than you. But it can also be unhealthy in both conscious and unconscious ways. Because the danger here is that the partner with less experience will do things they are uncomfortable with because that is how their partner has always done them. They believe that just because their partner does things one way, that is the only way to do it.
When this happens, it doesn't mean you are actively forcing things on them (although this is a common trick used by abusers). But it can easily be missed by those with the best of intentions.
Remember the importance of polyamorous communities
Whether you are dating someone with less experience in polyamory than you or are the one newly stepping out onto your polyamory journey, please remember that it is vital to make the most of the polyamorous community for support.
If you have more experience, then the community will be there to help you when you are struggling. Whether you are worried you don't have the answers your partner needs or you are exhausted by them needing so much support, the rest of the community will be there to have your back.
If you have less experience, you may feel uncomfortable putting your new partner in the position of teacher. Or you might be too independently-minded to feel comfortable giving a partner that much power. The polyamorous community will be there to help you learn, freeing up your relationship to be a more relaxed space.
Also, polyamory is about more than dating. You will also be freeing yourself up to all sorts of new friendships and connections. Going into it alone can be terrifying, and finding the right community, both in person or online, can make all the difference.
At the end of the day, whether or not you are prepared to date someone new to polyamory is a personal choice. Some people are happy to take on the responsibility and the risks, while some people are not.
But, like everything in the world of relationships, this is no different to monogamy. There are responsibilities and risks in creating any new emotional connection, and without consciously addressing these, we put ourselves at risk of harm.
As long as we are honest with ourselves and with others and understand why we make our decisions, then we can keep everything ethical and healthy.
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