Healthy Reasons to be Polyamorous: Exploring and Developing your Identity
Why are people polyamorous?
Some people argue we are born this way. Others that’s it’s a conscious decision. But whatever you believe, we all have our own reasons why we decided to first explore this lifestyle.
And while it’s important to recognise that there are many unhealthy reasons to begin exploring polyamory, these are outweighed many times over by the valid and healthy reasons there are to start this journey, either alone or with a partner.
So let’s take a look at one of the many reasons to explore polyamory: Exploring and developing your identity.
Polyamorous people, like many others who are either born to choose to live in ways that go against "The Norm", are often faced with that perennially insulting judgement, "It's just a phase."
For people born a certain way, this is more than just insulting. It's outright prejudice. But whether or not polyamory is something we are born to or something we choose (which I'm not going to go into in this article), it's still incredibly insulting when our lifestyle is simply dismissed out of hand.
But just because calling polyamory a phase is insulting doesn't mean it can't be true.
For some people, ethical non-monogamy is a means to explore a part of themselves. To see what parts of themselves exist that can't be embraced within the standard monogamous lifestyle. But that doesn't necessarily make it a "phase". Rather, it makes it a tool to explore our personal identity.
Exploring and developing our identity
Who are we?
At birth, no one knows who we are. We're just squalling, pooping, lumps of potential. And so we are all lumped together. Then, as we grow and develop our personalities, we begin to understand and explore all the wonderful and myriad traits that makeup who we are as individuals. Our likes and dislikes. Our sexuality and gender. Our talents and our weaknesses. All those things that make us unique.
And, both as individuals and with others, we used the tools society provides to do this. And ethical non-monogamy is one of those tools.
Using polyamory to explore your identity alone
Learning who we are as human beings requires exposing ourselves to everything the world has to offer. The problem many people face is that they only ever see the narrow slice of the world they grow up in. Whether or not that life is right for them, they fall into the trap of assuming that what they experienced growing up must be who they will be forever.
But by exploring the world, you get to see all the different options that are out there. Perhaps you won't be interested. You'll see some things and immediately know they are not for you. But there are other things you'll try before deciding that while there is nothing wrong with them, they are just not for you.
And ethical non-monogamy can well be one of these things. Casual dating is something many people do without thinking before "settling down" into a committed relationship. Some also try multiple-person relationships, seeing them as a bit of fun.
Of course, you have to be careful. It's easy to hurt people when you're just exploring, as you may not end up at the same destination. But as long as everyone is honest and practices open communication, it's possible to be ethical.
Using polyamory to explore your identity alone from within a relationship
We like to think that being an adult means knowing who we are. But this isn't true. Because unfortunately, society isn't built around giving us all the options. We are brought up to value conformity. To accept "The Norm" and fit ourselves into what is expected of us. And because of this, many people don't feel safe exploring who they are, while others aren't even aware of the options available to them. And so many people don't discover part of themselves until well into adulthood when they have already established lives and relationships.
So what happens if you discover a part of you - such as your true sexuality, for example - when you are happily committed to a relationship that prevents you from exploring it?
Ethical non-monogamy offers a way to explore these discoveries without threatening any established relationship. For example, I know a lot of people who only realised they were bisexual after they were in happily committed relationships. Now, some of them were happy with the realisation alone and did not feel any need to explore this side of themselves. But others were left that the fact they might never be able to explore this part of themselves meant they would never be true to themselves in some way.
But what were they supposed to do? Push down these feelings of regret? Tell themselves that having one kind of happiness means they must forgo another? Some people might be able to live like that, but I've seen relationships crumble by going down that route as unconscious resentments and insecurities seep in.
Ethical non-monogamy offers a solution. It allows people to explore parts of themselves without threatening established relationships. I'm not saying it will be easy. Nor am I saying the existing relationship will remain unchanged. But if it's handled well, it's just one more tool to allow people to explore who they are.
Discussing polyamory or any kind of ethical non-monogamy as a "phase" is tricky for me. Because, to me, accepting that someone can choose to explore polyamory and then give it up reinforces the dismissive idea that it's not a valid lifestyle.
But I also argue that relationships grow and change. And so people can explore non-monogamy in their own way as they need. And one of those ways is to give themselves a way to explore who they are.
It won't necessarily be easy, of course. No matter how you plan to explore ethical non-monogamy, you will still need to do the work. Just throwing yourself into it with no idea what to expect will only end up with someone getting hurt. But then, all the skills you need for non-monogamy are equally beneficial for monogamous relationships, so it's a win-win situation.
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