How to Deal With Jealousy in Polyamory
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory can be hard. Jealousy is a deep, insidious feeling that burrows away inside us, cutting us off from the happiness of seeing our partner sleeping with, dating, or falling in love with someone new. Oh, we might be objectively happy with the idea, but the heart often refuses to listen to the brain in matters of love.
So what’s the trick to dealing with jealousy in polyamory? How do we go about combatting that nasty feeling that holds us back from experiencing the joys of compersion?
Reasons People Feel Jealousy in Polyamory
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory is a common issue. I don’t think there is anyone in the polyamorous or ethical non-monogamous community that hasn’t experienced it in some way. Even people who, like me, are lucky enough never to have had issues seeing their partner with other people will experience jealousy in other ways.
So first, let’s take a look at the two main reasons people experience jealousy in polyamory.
Seeing their partner with other people
This is the obvious one. Growing up in a monogamous society, we've been taught that once you form an emotional and sexual bond with someone, you (for lack of a better word) "own" that connection. It's meant for one person and one person only, or so we've been told over and over again by religion and the media. And so, no matter how okay you are with polyamory in theory, it can be a punch in the gut to actually witness it happening.
Wanting what other people have
When beginning your journey into polyamory, not everyone gets what they are looking for out of the gate. I can speak from experience on this. When my partner and I originally opened our relationship, they had all sorts of offers from day one, while it took me months, if not years, to find something. And the polyamorous community, while being a huge support blanket, only put me in contact with others who had everything I was looking for but couldn't find.
Understanding the true nature of jealousy
Dealing with jealousy can be a difficult process. But not an impossible one. Some people dismiss this idea, claiming jealousy is simply part of who they are. The phrase, "I could never be polyamorous; I'm just too jealous," is one we all hear a lot (and send my eyes rolling into the back of my head). But believe me, someone believing jealousy is simply part of all relationships is a massive Red Flag. And that's for all relationships, monogamous as well as polyamorous. Some people might have gone through particular traumas that make working through their jealousy harder, but no one is simply "too jealous" by nature.
But how do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?
Well, it's simple. Once you have a better understanding of the nature of jealousy, you will realise that it doesn't actually exist. It's not a real thing. It's an umbrella term for two very different but often connected feelings; insecurity and envy.
Insecurity in polyamory
Modern relationships have been tainted by the twin ideas of ownership and co-dependency. That our partner belongs to us, and we to them. We are also taught that once in a couple, we cease to be individuals. We become a unit rather than two separate people.
But these ideas of two people belonging to each other are dangerous because they erode the idea of choice. Instead of remembering that our partner chose to be with us, we begin to feel they have no choice but to remain. It's a form of security. You don't have to worry about your partner leaving you because they literally cannot, whether they want to or not.
And so when we face the idea that they have other choices, they might not choose you.
Envy in polyamory
The world will always be filled with people who possess things we aspire to have. There is nothing wrong with wanting what other people have. It can be a great motivator, seeing that our ambitions are possible.
But sometimes, those things remain out of reach no matter what we do. You can work to find something, do everything right, and still not achieve it. Or you discover it's a lot harder than you thought. And that plays into your insecurities. Why do other people get to have the things you want, you ask yourself, when you can't? Aren't you doing all the same things? Why is it that you are putting in all the work, doing all the right things, and getting nothing, when others seem to find it without even trying? Aren't you as good as they are? Or does it mean you are simply less desirable than everyone else?
The Trick to Dealing with Jealousy in Polyamory
So, what do we do now? We've learned to recognise the truth that "jealousy" is just a fancy word for insecurity, but what's next? How do we deal with jealousy in polyamory?
Well, the simple answer is we need to address the root of those insecurities so that they no longer control us. Which is, of course, easier said than done. It can take years, maybe longer, to process these kinds of things. But the thing is, even just simply recognising them for what they are makes a huge difference. I know from experience that understanding why I feel insecure about something in my relationships makes it far easier to handle them. You're no longer left helpless in the emotional tumult for what seems to be no reason at all. Even if you can't help it, knowing the cause is incredibly reassuring. A reminder that one day, you can - and will - be able to handle them.
I'm not saying that getting over these insecurities will be easy. In fact, they might have to get worse before they get better as you learn to put aside your coping mechanisms. And this is why therapy is so important. You can work through some insecurities with a partner, but many will have deeper underlying causes that need professional help. Even if they don't seem that big a deal. Too many people - including myself - have told themselves their problems aren't "that bad". Or, at least, not bad enough to need therapy. You might only need a few sessions because a professional will be able to give you the tools you need rather than you have to work them out yourself.
And once you have a handle on your insecurities - assuming your relationship has good avenues of communication - you'll find dealing with jealousy in polyamory becomes far less of an insurmountable task.
Dealing with jealousy in polyamory is a common problem. But once we understand the fact that jealousy is just a fancy word for insecurity, and we learn to see where that insecurity is coming from, it becomes far easier to handle. You can begin to work on why you are insecure and build coping mechanisms you and your partner can put in place to help you recognise your triggers and to handle them when they arise.
And while you might never rid yourself completely of pangs of jealousy in your journey into polyamory, you'll soon find ways to prevent it from controlling you.
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