Let’s Talk About Platonic Romance
I’ve long been a proponent of platonic romance.
Now, this is different from a platonic relationship. Most people understand the idea of platonic relationships because anyone who has ever had a close friend has had one. These are caring relationships without any sexual element.
Platonic romance, however, is something people have a much harder time getting their heads around.
As anyone who has seen When Harry Met Sally knows, there is a prevalent idea in our culture that it’s impossible for a man and a woman (or, to update this for modern attitudes, any two people with compatible sexualities) to be friends without sex getting in the way. Either one of the two is only in the friendship because they want sex, or eventually, the relationship will grow to a point where sex is inevitable.
Whilst When Harry Met Sally is a very good film, it has the same universal problem all Romantic Comedies share: a toxic understanding of romance.
Platonic romance is absolutely a thing. The only reason people find it strange is because of a lack of understanding and education about relationships and the puritanical idea that romance and sex must be reserved for a single person.
So, let’s talk about platonic romance.
What is Platonic Romance?
I was recently chatting to a friend of mine. They are polyamorous but are currently dating someone who is monogamous. Or, at least, who thinks they are monogamous. Because the more they told me about this person's living situation, the more it became clear that they were far more polyamorous than they knew.
This person lives with someone of the opposite gender. Nothing unusual about that. There are a lot of people who are flatmates with people of different genders. But then she told me more about them, and it became obvious that these two are far more than merely flatmates. Not only have they lived together for over a decade, but they actually own their home together. They also spend holidays with each other's family. They do everything a "traditional" monogamous couple does, other than have a sexual relationship. In fact, they are both actively dating other people.
So, my friend asked me, are these two people actually, without realising it, polyamorous?
The answer, of course, is yes. They just don't realise what they are doing. Like so many others, they have stumbled into a certain model of ethical non-monogamy without knowing the words to describe what they are doing - and the thing they are doing is called Platonic Romance.
Platonic Romance works as long as you understand how to build healthy relationships
Polyamory teaches us that every relationship is different. Rather than being required to fit ourselves into the same model as everyone else, we can pick and choose which parts fit with each partner to build something that works best for us.
While most people look at this as meaning you can have a fulfilling sexual relationship without the expectation of romantic escalation, it's just as valid the other way around. You can have a romantic, long-term, committed relationship without any sexual attraction.
This is platonic romance.
In the situation I described above, these two people have found in each other everything they want from a domestic situation. They trust and respect each other enough that they are willing to make major, long-term commitments, such as jointly purchasing a home. They have lived together for over a decade without falling out. They spend time together and with each other's families - but they don't see each other as sexual partners.
You’ve seen more platonic romances than you think
We've all heard the cliche that once you get married, your sex life dies.
We also know it's a load of rubbish. Yes, when you're with someone for long enough, there will be times when sex isn't a priority. Be it having children, dealing with an illness, or any other issue taking up your time and energy, when you're in a healthy relationship you know that a temporary lack of sexual intimacy doesn't mean the love has died.
What about when people get older? When you look at couples who are lucky enough to be together in their later years, it's still very possible they are enjoying a healthy sex life; but if, for whatever reason, they can or do not, does that mean they are no longer romantic or in love? Of course not.
What about asexuals? Asexuals are those who, to some degree or another, feel no sexual desire. Having no desire for sex does not equate having no desire for romance.
These are prime examples of platonic romances.
So, it's time to toss away the tired old cliche that men and women (or anyone with compatible sexualities) cannot be friends without sex getting in the way and lean into the wonderful world of platonic romance.
This isn't to say that platonic relationships can't have sexual elements. I've written before about how it can be a healthy and bonding experience for friends to sleep together. Maybe two people attempted to have a sexual relationship before realising they didn't need it. Also, as I've said over and over again, relationships change and grow. It's possible that a sexual romance may evolve into a platonic one over the years without losing anything important.
The important thing is to recognise it and not to fall into the trap of thinking that a lack of sexual desire for someone means the entire relationship must be over. Relationships are not only valid as long as there is a sexual element.
Thanks to ethical non-monogamy, finding a life partner with whom you are purely platonic does not mean giving up having a healthy sex life with other people.
Platonic Romances are just as valid as any others, and I think that's beautiful.
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