Will Having Sex With a Friend Ruin Your Friendship?
Everyone knows you can’t have sex with a friend without ruining that friendship. Right?
We’re not supposed to be sexually attracted to our friends. If you have sexual feelings towards a friend, it can only mean one of two things: either your feelings for them are stronger than you're admitting, or what you’re actually feeling is sexual attraction, not friendship.
But wait! In polyamory, we’re taught that relationships are more than that. Things like sex and emotional connections aren’t restricted to a single one-on-one relationship. So, if it's okay to sleep with people without requiring an exclusive romantic element, why would your friends, the people you are closest to, and, it can be assumed, like the most, be off the table as sexual partners?
I wrote an article recently about platonic romance and how it’s possible to have long-term, committed relationships without sex. If those are possible, why can't we have a sexual friendship?
So, let’s discuss the intricacies of having sex with a friend (and not making a big thing of it).
Why is there this taboo around the idea of having sex with a friend?
Everyone knows that once you're friends with someone, sex is off the table. But why is this? Why are our friends, the people we like more than any others, the people we choose to spend the majority of our time with, forbidden to be sexually attractive to us?
Well, traditionally, it’s because if we’re in a relationship, sex with other people is supposed to be off the table. And if we’re single, wanting to have sex with someone means we must want to be more than just friends, which means we want to be in a relationship with them. But here at Discovering Polyamory, we’ve stepped away from this kind of monogamous thinking. Assuming that your particular style of ethical non-monogamy and your specific Relationship Agreements allow it, you’re free to have sex with whoever you like.
So why are your friends off the table?
I don’t know about you, but I have some incredibly sexy friends. Many of them I would 100% have sex with if the opportunity arose. In some cases, it’s that physical attraction that first drew me to them, only to discover friendship developed between us rather than a sexual relationship. And then there are others who I might not have found attractive when I first met them, but as I've grown to get to know them better, I consider them incredibly sexy.
Of course, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with all of them. No one is attracted to everyone. In fact, the majority of my friendships are wholly platonic. But a few I would sleep with in a heartbeat. And some of them I have had sex with. And it was great. And it didn’t change our friendship.
So, let’s take a look at why having sex with a friend didn’t ruin that friendship.
Having sex with your friends is scientifically proven to be beneficial (as long as you know what you’re doing)
We all know the stereotype. When you have sex with your friends, it makes things awkward. It muddies the waters of the relationship, making you “more than friends” but still less than partners. We actually see it portrayed in the media fairly often, but the plotlines of these stories are already very myopic. In every TV show or movie, this situation leads to the characters admitting they had feelings for each other all along, or the friendship crashes and burns (because you can't have sex without committed feelings).
But, according to science, this doesn’t have to be the case.
In a study published in 2000, 76% of people reported having sex with a friend actually improved their relationship, and only half that number ended up escalating the relationship.
But why is this?
Well, according to the study, it’s not having sex with a friend that puts your friendship in danger but a lack of communication about your needs and intentions.
“…the difference appears to be related to whether men and women are clear about their intentions. […] Friends who are clear about their intentions don't always act like awkward daters who come to realise it was a mistake to have sex too soon. Why? Because friends know who they're dealing with, and they have a foundation of trust. [Psychology Today]
The study showed that with the 24% of people who reported their friendship was damaged by sleeping together, it was because the two people weren't on the same page. Either one of them had secretly wanted to escalate the friendship and assumed sleeping together would be the first step towards that goal, or they believed that sleeping together could only ever have the outcome of making things awkward and so manifested that result.
The damage wasn't caused by having sex with a friend. It was caused by going into or coming out of the situation with uncommunicated expectations.
But if both of you are on the same page about what’s happening and understand having sex with a friend isn’t going to force any unwanted changes to your relationship, then it can actually have a positive bonding effect.
So, ultimately, is there anything wrong with having sex with a friend?
No.
At least, there isn’t, as long as you both know exactly what that sex means and whether you both want there to be changes in your friendship because of it. If you and a friend are sexually attracted to each other and both on the same page about what you want out of it, sleeping together can actually improve your friendship. It's exactly the same as any other intimate activity that you might do together. Only sexier.
We are taught that sex and love are inseparable, and part of our polyamory journey is unlearning this. And just as people look at failed polyamorous relationships and use these as justification for the idea that polyamory can never work, they also look at cases where sex has ruined a friendship and use that as an argument that there can never be any other result.
But the evidence shows that it's more likely to be the opposite. Having sex with a friend, when both of you are communicating and know exactly what's going on, it’s just another fun bonding experience with somebody you care about.
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