What is Parallel Polyamory?
Polyamory is different for everybody. We're not taking a single relationship model and forcing it on ourselves but figuring out what works for us. It's a process and a conversation between us, our partners, and anyone else impacted by our relationships.
And while some people love the idea of combining their polycules into one big happy family (often known as Kitchen Table Polyamory), others prefer to keep each relationship as a separate entity where their partners know about each other but have no desire to spend time together as a unit.
This is called "Parallel Polyamory".
What is Parallel Polyamory?
In Parallel Polyamory, each relationship you are in is seen as separate from any others you might have. They all exist in close proximity but run their own independent course (hence the name).
Parallel Polyamory tends to suit solo polyamorists. When you have made the conscious decision not to fully merge your life with your partners', it can feel more natural to keep those relationships separate as well. This isn't a hard and fast rule, of course. There are plenty of ways to have Solo Polyamory and Kitchen Table polyamory at the same time if that's what you feel is right for you.
This is also a model used by people whose relationships are situational. Perhaps you might have a partner in one city and another in a different one, who you see as you travel between them, say, for work. These two partners might not ever have the chance or inclination to build their own connections, leaving your relationship with each of them parallel.
Parallel Polyamory is not…
…a way to hide your relationships from each other.
No, your partners don't all need to be close friends. Hell, if you're comfortable with it, they don't even have to get on that well. But they have to accept that the others exist.
If you have a partner who isn't comfortable with you dating other people, Parallel Polyamory isn't a way to manage their insecurities. You can't simply pretend each relationship is monogamous, ignoring the existence of one partner while you are with another.
…an excuse to separate partners who dislike each other.
Dating two people who actively dislike each other is a topic that deserves a whole article to itself. But, in brief, if your partners actively dislike each other, there is no way this won't cause problems for you.
And Parallel Polyamory isn't a way to ignore this problem when it comes up. No matter how well you keep them apart, eventually, you're going to have to face the problem head-on. All you are doing is kicking the can down the road.
… a form of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
I've discussed elsewhere that I don't believe that Don't Ask, Don't Tell relationships are healthy. Working out exactly what level of communication you and your partner are comfortable with is fine, but if you are simply pretending your non-monogamy isn't happening - and therefore avoiding the need to do the necessary work - the whole "ethical" part starts to slip away.
Parallel Polyamory is great for those who don't want to play an active part in their partner's dating life, but it is not a way to ignore it completely and pretend it isn't happening.
Maintaining Lines of Communication in Parallel Polyamory
Communication is the keystone of any healthy relationship, no matter how casual. And even if your partners want nothing to do with each other, they still need avenues of communication in place. They might not want to talk to each other on an everyday basis, but you can't guarantee that there will never be a time when it's vitally important that they do.
Firstly, it's simply good ethical non-monogamy etiquette to check in with the people a new partner is already dating. When exactly this happens is down to you, but in my personal opinion, it's not ethical to begin to build a new relationship without confirming everyone else involved is aware and consenting.
I shouldn't need to say this, but never assume someone's partner is okay with you entering their lives. Too many people out there will lie and claim their partner is okay with what they are doing when that's not the case. If someone insists their partner is fine with them seeing other people but doesn't want to ever interact with them, that's a huge Red Flag.
But also, if these relationships become serious, or even casual and long-term, you need to plan for what happens in an emergency. If you're rushed to the hospital or something, the partner you are with at the time needs to be able to inform your other partners. And the best time for them to meet face-to-face will not be during an emergency situation.
Parallel Polyamory is a way to live an ethically non-monogamous life without the need to complicate or entwine your relationships. While for some people, that's the entire point, others prefer to see each relationship as a separate entity with its own life and expectations.
And as long as everybody is aware of the situation and no one is trying to use it to hide things from other people, it can be an incredibly rewarding way to live an ethically non-monogamous life.
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