When Is The Right Time To Tell Someone You Are Polyamorous?
Many of us have asked the question. When is the right time to tell someone you are polyamorous?
How about when you first meet?
Hey there, I was wondering if you’d like to go for a drink with me? My wife won’t mind…
No, that doesn’t seem like the smoothest of opening lines. How about once you’ve been chatting a while?
I’d love to carry on this conversation over dinner sometime if you’d be interested. You are? That’s great. Let me just text my husband to check we don’t have plans this weekend…
Again, it feels like it would throw someone off. Perhaps we should wait and see if the first date has gone well.
This was a wonderful evening. I really like you, and I’d love to do this again. I bet you’d really get on with my girlfriend…
Hmm, still a bit abrupt. Maybe it’s better to wait until after you’ve had sex. Then they’ll be in a more receptive mood.
Wow, that was amazing! I can’t wait to show my boyfriend that thing you did with your tongue…
No, I can’t see that working either.
So when the hell am I suppose to tell someone I’m interested in that I’m polyamorous?
This is a question that comes up again and again.
And don’t worry, it’s not something only on the minds of those new to the community. I’ve been ethically non-monogamous for years, and I still couldn’t tell you a definitive answer.
We in the polyamorous community are severely restricting our number of potential dating partners. Unless you’re fishing in an exclusively ethically non-monogamous pond, you’re more than likely going to end up hooking someone who won’t be okay with you already having several fish on your line.
And while being ethically non-monogamous is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s also important to remember that it can be a valid dealbreaker. A majority of people simply won’t want to date someone without the expectation of exclusivity.
So when exactly do you bring it up?
Let’s take a look at the three main options to tell someone you are polyamorous: straight away, after the first date, and when things start to get serious.
Straight Away
I’m not talking about throwing it out there as your ice breaker. Something like “Hi, I’m Tom, Can I buy you a drink? I have multiple romantic and sexual partners at any one time,” might be considered a little on the direct side.
Instead, we’re talking about laying your cards on the table from the very start. You’ve met someone, the two of you have clicked, and it appears you’re both interested in exploring this connection.
Pros: You’re being upfront and honest, ensuring potential dates know about a potential dealbreaker to them dating you.
Cons: There is a high chance of people dismissing you outright, making it a lot harder to get any dates at all.
On a first date
Some people believe the best place to tell someone you are polyamorous is after you’ve been on your first date or meet up. Once you’ve had a coffee, drink, or a meal with them, they know you’re not some random weirdo. Now you at least have a chance that they will hear you out before dismissing you completely.
But you’ve also dedicated time to each other. And if you like each other, but your polyamory creates a barrier to taking things further, wouldn’t it be more disappointing?
Pros: People are far more likely to hear you out once they’ve invested even a little of their time in you.
Cons: Someone might get upset that they invested that time in something that was never going to go anywhere.
Once things get serious
Why would you even bother to tell someone you are polyamorous so early? Being interested enough in someone to date them isn’t the same as taking them down the aisle. This might be something that lasts a couple of weeks, or even just one night. Polyamory might never even come up.
We already do this with other things. How many of us bring up ambitions like marriage, children, or plans to move to a different city one day, on a first date? Some do, especially if you plan for these to happen soon. But no one really expects these things to be brought up until things seem like they might lead somewhere serious.
Pros: It removes the pressure altogether from the early stages of a relationship.
Cons: It’s potentially manipulative to wait until someone is emotionally invested in you before revealing a significant change to their expectations.
So, which option is best? When should you tell someone you are polyamorous?
Well, unfortunately, I can’t tell you. Because, like with so many things, it can all depend on the specific people and the particular situation you find yourself in.
But I can tell you my personal opinion.
For myself, I would always tell someone as soon as things feel like they have potential. If I’m interested in someone, and they are open to meeting up for a date, I will lay my cards on the table, that if even if we hit it off, she’s not destined to be my one-and-only.
Why? Because I personally believe that while deciding to reveal your polyamory later isn’t unethical, being open from the start is definitely more ethical.
Yes, this can make it a lot harder to actually get dates. Believe me, I know. It can be very tempting to keep this a secret, hoping that the time invested someone has made will at least give you more of a chance. I just don’t feel that’s very fair.
Now, before I go, I just want to bring up a couple of points I think you all need to take on board.
Don’t think that being honest can never work
So, don’t think that if you tell someone you are polyamorous it will automatically shut down any possibility of an amazing relationship. It might not happen every time, but more people out there are willing to have an open mind about it than we realise.
Let me tell you a story about my own personal experience.
When I met my current partner, she was monogamous.
We met at a burlesque show. My first sight of her was the sexy girl standing at the bar. I wondered if I could find a way to introduce myself, but it turned out she was waiting for some mutual friends. This gave me the excuse to talk to her. We hit it off, and I managed to naturally bring my being polyamorous into the conversation. So she knew the score when she agreed to exchange contact information.
And she decided to take the leap into giving polyamory a try.
Two and a half years later, she’s dating more people than I am, and we’re planning on moving in together.
Not wanting to date someone isn’t the end of a relationship
The Friendzone is real. And it’s a wonderful place to be.
So you’ve spent the evening chatting to a fascinating human being, and you’d like more. You ask them out, but they say they have no interest in being in a non-monogamous relationship.
How does that take away from the connection you’ve made?
My friends, it’s hard enough to make new friends as an adult. Don’t throw the possibility away just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Maybe, instead, you can simply hang out as friends? I know, it’s a revolutionary idea. And it’s also okay to be honest if that’s not what you want. But don’t rule it out.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to make that call when to tell someone you are polyamorous. Because most of the time, the answer is determined by the person and the situation.
All I ask is you do it as ethically as possible. Basically, if you even begin to feel like you’re hiding something or lying about what you’re looking for, that’s when it’s time to bring it up.
It might make dating harder, but no one ever said “ethical” meant “easier”.
And it’s possible you might just introduce something into a wonderful new lifestyle they might never otherwise have considered.
