Red Flags We Need To Recognise in Polyamory
So you’ve decided that polyamory is for you. You’ve done the research, and you’re excited for this new world of freedom, emotional availability, sex, deeper connections, or whatever aspects you have decided you are looking for. Then you find the community, meet people, and find partners who share your aims and values. Life is good.
Except when the people you meet either don’t know what they’re doing or just don’t care.
It’s our own responsibility to protect ourselves. No one else’s.
And as wonderful as the polyamory scene might be, and as excited as we might be to experience it, we have to be aware that being in the scene doesn’t automatically make someone good at ethical non-monogamy.
Making mistakes in polyamory isn’t necessarily someone’s fault. We’re all learning together, and it’s okay to make mistakes as long as you acknowledge and learn from them.
But there are also people out there who only want what they want, and don’t care who they hurt along the way.
Being ethically non-monogamous doesn’t make us immune to finding, or being, bad partners. In fact, it can be argued that we are more at risk, having fewer examples to follow.
So I’m going to take this opportunity to go through a few of the Red Flags you may encounter in polyamory. Some are ones you and a partner can work on, while others are a sign that you need to Nope right out of there right now.
Note: I will endeavour to use gender non-specific wording in my descriptions below. Anyone on the gender spectrum has the potential to be a dick. However, in the interest of clarity, I may revert to gender-specific wording at times. Please don’t take this as an insinuation that bad or good behaviour is dependant on gender. Selfishness and insensitivity are equal opportunities employers.
Red Flag: One-Sided, Selfish Polyamory
Some people are only out there for themselves, and either don’t realise they are trampling over your needs or just don’t care.
The people who are uncomfortable with their partner dating other people, even though they do it themselves. The people who pressure their partner into performing sexually to feed their personal fetishes and desires. The people who see having multiple partners as an ego boost, rather than a beautiful shared experience for everyone involved.
Some people see non-monogamy as all about their personal pleasure. It’s never okay for one partner to get something while denying it to the other, or for someone to use you as an accessory.
Red Flag: Pretend or Uncertain Polyamory
Remember the immortal words of the great Dr. House: “Everybody lies.” Just because someone says they are open to non-monogamy, it doesn’t mean they truly are.
Some people are happy seeing multiple people while dating, but once they meet someone to “settle down” with they expect the other person to want the same. Or they might decide polyamory isn’t their thing after all, and assume you’ll go along with that. Or they will think that they can change you, convincing or coercing you into giving up seeing other people. Or maybe they are only pretending to be polyamorous to be with you and forcing themselves into living a way they don’t enjoy.
There are many reasons non-monogamy might not work for someone. It is your responsibility to be clear with your partner(s) what you want, and that you understand what they want.
Red Flag: Pushy or Pressurised Polyamory
Polyamory is not for everyone. And even for those who are suited to it, it can take time to ease yourself into it. For every person who can throw themselves into the lifestyle without a care in the world, there will be another who needs significant time and space to adjust their way of thinking.
But sometimes one half of a couple will push their partner into something before they are ready. Or coerce someone to try non-monogamy even when they don’t want to. And then there are those people who will insist you have to do polyamory in a certain way, or pressure you that you have to say yes to sex at all times if you are non-monogamous.
Sometimes it’s good to have someone encourage you out of your comfort zone, but ethical non-monogamy is about choosing what you want. Consent matters. Only you get to decide what, when, and how you want to experience in polyamory.
Red Flag: Refusing to have any Labels
Ethical non-monogamy shakes up traditional relationship ideas. Where before there were shared definitions and labels, now you’ve stepped into a world where words like “Wife”, “Husband”, “Boyfriend”, or “Girlfriend” might no longer fit your relationship style.
It is fine to feel there is no strict label for your preferred relationship structure. Quite often you want to avoid assumptions, or a connection might not be easy to explain in a single word. But refusing outright to have any sort of label whatsoever can be a sign of someone avoiding commitment. Without any definition, they are free to do what they want without considering you. Maybe you’re fine with that, but it has to be on agreed terms.
In polyamory, you need to know where you stand with people, even if it has no hard and fast definition.
Red Flag: Aggressive Fairness
Every relationship dynamic needs to find its balance. Everyone deserves to get what they need from the arrangement. But that doesn’t mean you have to ensure everything gets exactly the same thing.
It’s possible to get caught up in keeping a tally. If you go out for dinner with one partner, you must have the same thing planned for the other. Did you buy one partner flowers? You better have ordered two bunches. Do you want to spend the night with someone? Well, you better make sure you’ve built up enough nights with your main partner first.
This dynamic is exhausting, as it turns every gesture and decision into an obligation. And believe me, once that occurs all that happens is that you stop trying at all.
In any relationship, you do things because you want to, not because you have to. In polyamory fairness is important, but that doesn’t mean an exact like-for-like match for each partner.
I’m sure there are many more Red Flags for you to be aware of in ethical non-monogamy. I can’t say I’ve made any kind of study, or surveyed people to find out other options. The above points are all merely drawn from my own experiences, self-education, and second-hand stories.
But what I hope they underline it that there are plenty of people out there who can ruin your experiences with polyamory. We are none of us perfect, and being part of the ethically non-monogamous community will not free you from the risks of bad relationships or sexual encounters.
Either intentionally or through lack of understanding and education, there are many ways for you to get hurt.
Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness and safety. And the only way to be safe is to be aware of the possible dangers.
