Polyamory Week 2021: The People Who Pick Sides
You can find all posts for Polyamory Week 2021 here.
The argument I try to make in my writing on ethical non-monogamy is that every relationship is unique. Rather than simply taking on the One-Size-Fits-All model as we have been conditioned to do, we need to assess all the options and pick which ones work for us.
What’s I’m not saying is any of those choices are better than the others. No single relationship model is better than any other.
This means monogamous people need to accept polyamory as valid. But it also means polyamorous people need to not look down on monogamy.
I will celebrate my polyamory, and I will share how much it has improved my life. I will speak out, letting the world know about the freedom and personal fulfilment I have experienced.
But I’ll never argue what is right for me is necessarily right for everyone.
I was monogamous for years, and I know how much joy can be found in it. It’s impossible to deny there is something wonderful about the feeling of being someone’s “One And Only”. About being part of an exclusive partnership.
So no matter how much monogamy isn’t for you, or how much you have gotten out of ethical non-monogamy that you couldn’t have had in monogamy, it’s not fair to insist that non-monogamy is inherently better.
Yet there are people out there who do.
These are unhealthy ideas that need weeding out of polyamory
Once you start to engage with the polyamorous community you are eventually going to run into people who feel it is necessary to put down monogamy.
They’ll argue that monogamy is somehow less evolved. That because it’s the model imposed by the traditional social order it, therefore, must be bad. That monogamy is inherently about telling you what you are not allowed to do. That denying your sexual freedom is oppressive. That monogamous people simply haven’t grown up or matured enough to understand non-monogamy’s superiority.
I used to just smile and nod at these arguments. To each their own opinion, and so forth. I wasn’t going to start arguing people’s personal opinions.
But I’ve changed my mind. Now I call these people out. Not because people aren’t allowed their own opinions, but because these are unhealthy ideas that need weeding out of polyamory.
It’s “Us and Them”-ing, pure and simple. The time-honoured method of defending our own ideas by belittling those of others. And just because a lot of monogamous people dismiss us, that doesn’t mean we should be returning the favour.
The simple desire to make ourselves feel special and unique in our “No Monogamy Allowed” treehouse
I want to make it clear at this point the following thoughts are my personal opinions. I may be jumping to huge assumptions, and I may just be being judgemental. But this is my blog and I’ll jump to whichever assumptions I want.
The people I’ve known who attack monogamy are the sort of people you can tell were never popular in school.
You might think I’m generalising, but I think you know exactly the people I mean. The ones always on the outside looking in. The type of person who never quite fit in with the popular idea of who they should be.
And now they’ve grown up, discovered who they are, and embraced it. But I’ll be the first to confirm that childhood insecurities run deep. And sometimes these insecurities lead us to punch down because if you’re punching down you can tell yourself you’re on top.
Maybe it’s a sense of gloating. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s just the simple desire to make ourselves feel special and unique in our “No Monogamy Allowed” treehouse.
But while I’m never going to belittle anyone’s insecurities, I’m also not going to accept anyone using their insecurities to belittle anyone else’s choices.
Going back to my original point, relationships are about choice. Yes, there is a lot wrong with the automatic monogamous, One-Size-Fits-All approach. And society has a myriad of hang-ups that make a lot of people uncomfortable with alternative relationship models. And yes, there are people in the world who are actively antagonistic toward polyamory.
But the answer isn’t to push back with our own dismissal. Monogamy isn’t evil in itself, or something to be “evolved out of”. The answer is better relationships education and understanding. People need to be shown it’s about crafting the relationship you need, rather than belittle what others choose.
So, when you encounter these people, and you will, call them out. Don’t let them bully you into making your choice of relationship style drawing up a battle-line.
You don’t have to engage with them. If you don’t want to argue, I’m not going to make you. Just don’t give them the impression they have a platform.
The polyamorous community is great, but we’re not better people. Not by default. We have all the same issues, hangups, and problems as anyone else.
