10 Words You Should Know Coming Into Polyamory
Beginning your journey into polyamory, or any form of ethical non-monogamy is one of the most exciting times of your life.
But that excitement can so often be tempered by the fear that we don’t know what we’re doing. You’re entering a new world filled with people — or so it seems — with far more experience than you.
At least, that was my experience. More or less.
What the hell are all these words they are using?
Now, this can actually lead to some cute anecdotes. It can fun to hear all the different ways people have come up with to describe the same things. But it can’t be denied that communication and exploration are easier when we’re all using the same words.
Disclaimer: This article, like all my others, is aimed to assist others on their own journey into polyamory, but I don’t claim to be an authority, and definitely not an expert, in the field. I’ve made no grand study of the community or undertaken extensive clinical interviews.
All my knowledge has been gained through my own experiences, research, and interactions with others gained during my journey into polyamory.
And so, in no particular order other than what made sense as I was writing, here are 10 words or phrases you should know as you begin your journey into polyamory.
Ethical Non-Monogamy
A relationship model that has no external restrictions on the number of participants.
This is the big one. Ethical non-monogamy is essentially the umbrella term for everything we do.
And while all polyamory is ethically non-monogamous, not all ethically non-monogamous relationships are polyamorous. ENM can involve emotional or sexual openness. It doesn’t have to include both.
And, of course, the important word there is ethical. Everything we do in this community is ethical. This means everyone involved, even tangentially, is aware of what’s going on, to the level they are comfortable with.
Polyamory
A relationship model where those involved are open to loving multiple people.
Polyamory is not purely about sex. It’s not a phase people go through before finding “The One”. It’s not something people use to avoid commitment. In fact, you can be “exclusively polyamorous” as much as you can be open and polyamorous.
The important thing about polyamory is it is in your hands. There is no standard model for how it has to look. Once we have removed the structures and presents of “standard” relationships, everything is on the table.
Polyfidelity
A “closed” polyamorous relationship.
It is important to recognise that polyamory doesn’t necessarily mean sexually open. There are plenty of people in the world who fall in love with multiple people while still needing sexual exclusivity.
Essentially, a polyfidelious relationship is one that involves multiple people, all of whom are considered of equal importance, and who only sleep with people within the relationship. They are not free to date or sleep with people outside of this arrangement, in a similar way to a monogamous relationship.
Compersion
The positive feeling experienced when witnessing someone else’s happiness.
The basic idea is when you see your partner with someone else, instead of jealous you get excited for them. Accepting this and experiencing it is a big part of your journey.
And some people find it easier than others. We are conditioned to be possessive of our partners, and so compersion can be extremely hard for some people. It’s important to take things at the speed you are all comfortable with.
And while many people say compersion is the opposite of jealousy, I think it’s more than that. It’s letting go of your ego and letting yourself be happy someone you love is happy, even if it has nothing to do with you.
Metamour
Your partner’s partner.
If you and your partner are seeing people separately, they become your metamour. Different people have different relationships with their metamours. Some become close friends, while others are happy to simply be aware of them.
You don’t have to be close with your metamour, but my personal belief is if you are part of a committed partnership, you should always at least have met your metamours. If only for your own peace of mind, or emergencies.
Comet
A partner who you see regularly, but only rarely or infrequently.
Not every polyamorous relationship mirrors a monogamous one. Being free to form connections with multiple people means you might do so in a location you only visit rarely. Maybe there is someone you only get to see when you travel on business. Or it could be someone you met online.
Just because you can only see them infrequently doesn’t mean they have to be any less important to you. We don’t necessarily have to stay with someone a certain number of nights a week for a relationship to be valid.
Polycule
A group of interconnected partners.
In polyamory, we often form large, interconnected social groups. Some will be dating, some will be sleeping together, some will be metamours. It’s a highly concentrated version of 6 Degrees of Separation.
But with all the connecting relationships being closer than simply “friendships”, you’re more than a social circle. So we use the word “polycule”.
How big your polycule might be is up to you. There may only be you, your two partners, and their additional partners. But when people are dating multiple people, the numbers multiply. Some people only count their partners and direct metamours in their polycule, while other like to include every single connected person, no matter how big the group becomes.
Polysaturated / Polymaxed
When you are dating the maximum number of people you can manage
Polyamory isn’t about making your life easier. Relationships are hard work, and multiple relationships, logically, multiply that work. Some people find two partners is more than enough for them. Other date several people at once.
Each of us has to decide what level of work we can take on. You might want to have multiple partners and sleep with a different person every night, but eventually this leads to exhaustion, chaffing, and dissatisfaction.
Ultimately, any relationship is only worth the effort if the reward is greater than what you’re putting in. If you are dating so many people it leaves you feeling stressed and exhausted with no time to yourself, it might be time to admit you need to cut back.
Couple Privilege
The sense of innate privilege that comes from being part of a couple.
This one is important to be aware of, whether you are starting this journey solo or part of a couple. Because it’s a trap very easy to fall into.
A common problem found in polyamory is couples that — without realising — treat others as accessories. They have sat down and discussed their own needs and desires, and forget that third parties aren’t simply there to serve them.
This isn’t okay. Couples, you need to make sure you treat new partners as human beings and take their desires and needs into account. Singles, you need to be on the lookout for couples looking to use you for their own desires without thinking about your own.
Of course, the polyamorous dictionary contains a lot more words than this.
As you continue on your journey your experience and vocabulary will continue to grow. Some words will make perfect sense to you, while others will seem like people have just smashed several other words together and kept the letters that survived the impact. (Just writing this article caused my computer’s spellchecker to have a fit.)
Because in ethical non-monogamy, your relationship is what you make of it.
Different groups will come up with different words and terms for the things they share. Some will be relevant to you, and some will not.
But by learning as much as you can, you can learn which parts will be part of your journey, and which are not for you.
