What Exactly is Couple Privilege?
So, what exactly is Couple Privilege? And why is it such a big deal? Why do we in the ethical non-monogamous community hate it so much?
Especially because it appears, by all accounts, to be so prevalent. If you’re looking to form any kind of non-monogamous relationship that involves a Couple — be it forming a Triad or dating other people outside of an established Couple — you are going to have to deal with the subconscious phenomenon that is Couple Privilege.
So let’s take a look at it in a little more detail, shall we?
What is Couple Privilege?
Couple Privilege happens when our social conditioning around “traditional” relationship models and dynamics seeps into our non-monogamy.
This can manifest in many different ways:
A Couple setting up rules and expectations — such as, “You only play with the two of us together” or “We will go on dates every other Saturday” — that a Third is expected to follow without question.
A Couple expecting a Third to change their life to adapt to the Couple’s routine and schedule without doing the same themselves.
Not having a problem with, and actively calling out, people who assume one member of a Triad is the “extra one”, and the other two are the “real couple”.
Not actively pushing back on social expectations around “real” relationships only being between two people (especially regarding legal issues, say around the guardianship of children).
A Couple hunting for a third person willing to fulfil their sexual fantasies, without considering that this person might have their own needs and desires (also known as Unicorn Hunting).
A Couple not being open about being in a Triad for fear of what other people might think (unless there are valid reasons, such as people’s safety, that need to be taken into account), forcing the Third to stay “in hiding”.
Why does Couple Privilege exist?
“Society” has clearly established ideas of what a relationship consists of. And ethical non-monogamy goes directly against a lot of these.
And unfortunately, deciding to move away from monogamy is not nearly enough to undo all the conditioning we have undergone in our lives. Even when we do all the work, embrace the community, and actively engage with the changes in our lives, deep down, we still see the core of any relationship to be the “Couple”. And all of this sits in the backs of our minds all the time.
And it doesn’t help that our society is exclusively structured around monogamy. From a legal standpoint, only two people can share legal responsibilities. And, of course, biologically, only two people can create a child.
Is Couple Privilege only a risk for established couples?
No, it is not. Don’t make the mistake of believing that just because you created a Triad from three solo people that you are safe.
I know a Triad who met as friends and decided to form a Triad relationship. Everything was fine while they were three separate people with their own separate lives. But when two of them moved in together, the dynamic shifted. They began to — unconsciously, I might add — see themselves as the Couple and the other as the Third.
Does this mean giving up being a Couple if you want to be in a Triad?
Not necessarily.
Okay, this is where things begin to get tricky. Remember, polyamory can be beautifully complicated, and it’s possible to have multiple different relationships formed of different configurations of the same people. Therefore, it’s possible for two people be in a Triad while still maintaining their status as a Couple.
This might be because you were already established and have a life together you want to retain in some fashion. For example, you might own a house or have children. So, in this case, there will be elements of your life where you will be a Couple and others when you are a Triad. It’s up to all three of you to determine the boundaries and agreements between you. And if there are grey areas, you need to have a process in place to be able to communicate problems and issues.
Does Couple Privilege only harm the Third?
Nope. It’s important to be aware that it can harm everybody equally.
I have personal experience that subconsciously seeing yourself as part of a Couple can handicap both relationships. I was not in a Triad, but a Vee. But the subconscious desire to always keep my “primary” relationship on a higher footing led to me treating both my partners poorly. I spent so much time caring about making sure everyone got the “correct” level of attention that I ended up holding back on both relationships.
How do we fight Couple Privilege?
Excuse me while I get out my stamp labelled “Standard Answer To All Problems In Polyamory”.
Communication.
When you create a new relationship, you establish a set of agreements and boundaries that all involved agree to. Each of you states your wants, needs, and desires. When things don’t match, you either compromise or walk away.
And remember, not everyone will have the same boundaries. Some people might want to be a part of every element of the relationship, others not so much. Let’s say a Couple have always gone to one set of parents at Christmas to be with their family. Does the Third expect to be involved in that? They might see visiting families at Christmas as something everyone in the relationship should be a part of. But they might also have their own traditions they want to follow.
The fact of the matter is, Couple Privilege is something that’s going to be a problem in ethical non-monogamy for the foreseeable future.
We can’t help it. As much as we embrace non-monogamy, we have been brought up in a culture where monogamy is not only the norm but the only possible option. It’s ingrained to the point that will be almost impossible to remove from our collective psyche.
So what that leaves us with is awareness. Don’t pretend it isn’t going to happen. Or that you are somehow the one example of someone immune to it. Be aware, keep actively accessing your relationships, and be open about it when you see it.
Couple Privilege is an inevitability, but it doesn’t have to be damaging, as long as we handle it like grown-ups.
