How to Handle Breakups in Polyamory
How do breakups work in polyamory?
If you’re dating multiple people, and one of those relationships ends, how are you supposed to handle it? Are you allowed to be sad? I mean, you’re still in at least one other relationship, right? It’s not like monogamy, where you suddenly have to deal with being alone. Wouldn’t being sad be an insult to your remaining partners? If you’re happy with them, losing someone else surely shouldn’t be a problem. What if it happens to someone else in your polycule? If you’ve been practising Kitchen Table Polyamory, do you have to cut a friend out of your life just because they are no longer dating your partner?
I assume that, like me, most of you didn't put much thought into how you deal with any of this when you first began your journey into polyamory, but it's almost certain to be something you have to deal with at some point. So, let's look at how to deal with breakups in polyamory.
Breakups are hard. Sometimes, they happen because a relationship has come to the end of its natural lifespan. Sometimes, they happen because of events completely out of your or your partner's control. And sometimes, they happen because you’ve discovered something about your partner that means they have lost your love or trust.
While in monogamy, going through a breakup is a simple, clean change in your lifestyle (being in a relationship to being single). However, in polyamory, it's not quite that simple, because if you’re still dating other people, you’re not really “single”, are you? If you're not single, shouldn't you be spared from the feelings of loneliness and confusion that you would expect in monogamy?
How do you navigate the feelings of loss without upsetting your other partners or when you still have love in your love from other people?
Breakups in Polyamory Still Mean Change (For Better or for Worse)
Breakups are hard, and polyamory is complicated; when you combine the two, you’re in for one hell of a ride.
Every relationship is unique and has its own equilibrium. The balance of needs and wants between two (or more) people that make up their life together. This is why regular relationship Check-Ins are essential because any change in your life will impact your relationships with those around you. Going through a breakup is one massive change to your equilibrium which you have the right and the need to feel.
Recognise and Address the Change to Your Equilibrium
Something I have learned through polyamory is how deceptively fragile the balance of our lives and relationships really is. One small change and everything that previously felt secure can be caught in a swirl of chaos and uncertainty.
When you go through a breakup in polyamory, no matter the fact that you might still have love in your life from someone else, you need to address this change to your equilibrium. It doesn't matter how well-balanced your life might have been; you need to actively work to find a new balance point. Even if you don’t think your life was particularly well-balanced or the breakup is a good thing that will make your life objectively better, you still have to address the fact that things have changed.
Unfortunately, there is no easy path I can outline to do this. We all handle breakups differently, and what you need to do to address the change will depend on the specific details of your life.
One thing you will need to do is openly address how these changes will impact your life, practically and emotionally. Will you now have more time on your hands with one fewer partner? Was the emotional connection with your ex-partner strong enough that you are going to need a significant amount of time and support to process things? Is there any trauma that might require professional help? Were there any of your needs that this partner provided that you don’t get anywhere else?
And, most importantly, how will your breakup affect your remaining relationships?
Work Out Where Your Existing Partners Will Step In (And Where They Won’t)
When you go through a difficult time, it's natural that we will lean on our partners to help us though it. This still applies in polyamory, even in breakups. However, depending on the nature of your relationships, this might not be something you can expect by default.
Not every relationship is the same, and casual relationships are just as valid in polyamory as long-term committed ones. When you need emotional support, you need to take into account the nature of your existing relationships. If you have a second loving, committed relationship, that partner will no doubt want to be there to support you, but should you expect the same from something more casual?
It's not callous to say your Relationship Agreement with someone doesn't include emotional support and to put that boundary in place.
Another thing to recognise is that breaking up with one partner does not mean your other relationships will necessarily change. Yes, maybe you might start spending more time with one partner and find that connection ends up growing into something new, but that isn’t automatic. Your relationships with your other partners might be perfect the way they are, and assuming they will grow closer just because you have this new space in your life could actually be damaging.
You Are Allowed to be Sad
Just because you are polyamorous doesn’t mean you have given up the right to be sad about breaking up with someone.
Yes, in a situation where you have multiple partners, breaking up with one of them doesn’t make you “single”. You’re not suddenly alone. But having happiness in your life doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to feel sad about losing something that was important to you.
Even in monogamous breakups, having close friends rallying around you doesn’t stop it being painful. It’s the same with having other partners. You can still be devastated at losing someone from your life. You have the right to feel your feelings. When my marriage ended, it was both amicable and, looking back, something we both had known was coming. But I was still sad. As my therapist put it, I was in mourning. Just because I knew it was the right decision, I still had to put in the time to recognise and process the passing of a major part of my life, and having a second partner to support me through it didn't take anything away from how I was feeling.
Remember, Sometimes Relationships Need to End
Breakups are not a sign of failure. No relationship is breakup-proof, nor should they be.
A relationship coming to an end is not an inherently bad thing. I’ve written before about how any healthy relationship needs to include an awareness of the possibility of breaking up. Because if you think it’s impossible that something can weaken, you won’t work on making it stronger.
It’s difficult, but if your relationship was healthy, you will eventually be able to look back and see all the ways that relationship helped you grow. You’ll be able to see the parts of yourself that you wouldn’t have, or, at least, would be less well developed if this person hadn't been in your life.
You can also look at the parts of the relationship that were not healthy or satisfying and take those learnings forward into future ones.
Polyamorous Relationships Ending Doesn’t Mean Polyamory Doesn’t work
For a final point, I want to remind you that despite what many people will say, a breakup in polyamory does not mean polyamory cannot work, that this was inevitable and that you can only really be happy with one partner. Or, if the breakup takes you from having two partners in your life to just one, this was the relationship that was “meant to be”, and now you can focus on that one.
I could write an entire article on why this is not true, but for now, just remember that monogamous relationships end, and no one ever says this means monogamy doesn’t work.
So, how does breaking up in polyamory work?
Essentially, they work in the same way they do in monogamy, just with more people involved. While polyamory can add complications, at the end of the day, the emotions you will feel and the steps you need to take to adjust are exactly the same as if you were monogamous.
Going through a breakup sucks, either because you’ve lost something special from your life or you’ve had a partner betray you in a way that meant you were forced to leave them. If you're going through one right now, I feel for you. Just remember, we've all been through what you're feeling, and things will get better.
In the meantime, just remember that breaking up isn't the end of the world.
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